Welcome to the new tech section!

[Splishy]

At this stage I believe all issues with the forum and planner have been resolved, however if anyone is still experiencing issues please post in this section with as much info as possible so I can get to work on fixing them.

[Daffyd]

I, uh, installed this toolbar in my AOL coz it had these really ace smilies and now my internets are broken. Can haz tech support plx?

[rox0r]

I have this, uh, friend...who might have clicked 'accept' on a popup from a 'dodgy' website and now my..er..his computer randomly flashes up adverts for screamingqueerdonkeybangers.com. I mean, it was telling me I have a virus and it needed to do a scan and it looked legit so y'know....it's not my...er..his fault really is it?

Halp?

[Bolts]

of course we can 

Sounds like thats a serious issue there and we can only offer the below advice. Its that serious!!!

Turn off your pc
Remove all cables
Place the pc along with all original packaging back into its original box
Return packaged contents back to where you purchased it from
And tell them you are too stupid to use it!!!

That should sort your problem out 

Reply to Daffy's post btw

[Sessander]

I worked for DELL in India.

these are some of the instances of the kind of calls we got!

Just for fun

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

[Splishy]

You're all going to hell in a handcart. I had to watch Jeb's Jobs this morning because of this thread.

[rox0r]

You know the one I hate the most?

"Are there any good deals on computers around then? I'm thinking about buying a new one, or maybe upgrading the one I have...."

"Ok, what's your budget?"

"Oh I dunno, I've not really thought about it I was just hoping you'd be able to tell me a good one"

<facepalm>

[Splishy]

Or "I'm looking to upgrade, but I figured I could keep my current CPU, GPU, Motherboard, optical disk, hard disk, PSU, RAM, case, monitor, keyboard and mouse - what do think would give me the best performance boost?"

Sir, may I recommend Monster Cables?

[Daffyd]

My actual real worst was "My computer's really slow, can you have a look at it for me?"

The computer in question was a genuine Pentium III that had shared a house with a multitude of cats and dogs and was running ME. I've never seen so much crud inside a machine, it looked like someone had pulled it out of a river. Replaced it with a Jarvis D500 running XP though and all was well

[Splishy]

Was it as bad as the amount of gunk inside your mum's machine the other weekend before she failed to understand compressed air?

[Arekh]

Is this the place where I can offer you cheap Viagra online?

[Splishy]

Can you quantify "cheap"?

[Petitmiel]

Can you hack Usb with a remote control? Can you keep your mobile safe by putting the battery into the oven?